Oh Joni Mitchell, how you tell it to me like it really is.
I am doing a cloud series for my solo show in the fall. Out of the darkness of my journey, I have found I am actually creative.
I sold one painting at a show at the beginning of this month. Go me!
I stop and look around at nature now. I look at lights and shadows. How everything is connected and flows. It gives life a new look for me.
Clouds allow me to look at not only life in a different way, but also myself.
The traits, or aspects, of myself that I have hidden because I thought they were “bad.” My shadows.
It hit me the other day while I was painting and then writing about my old drawings, that much of my resentments toward the ex-wife have to do with my shadow aspects.
I know, I know! I should have really seen it, and I did, I just didn’t have it fully integrated into me.
I am held to a different standard by the children, my partner, and others. I am the consistent one, the even one, the peace-maker.
Yet, I do get angry, sad, melancholy, distant… I could go on.
I get admonished if I do act on those “negative” emotions. This is nothing new. I am told that when people see me, they always see me smiling.
No shit. Like I have written before, I was trained well.
Now that I know this about where this resentment comes from, I can move forward. I can release this with awareness and forgiveness toward her and most of all to myself.
I have to forgive myself. I am a good person, happy, sad, joyful or depressed. Those are emotions that flow through me, and it is only with a story can that storm wave continue.
So, as Joni Mitchell sang, “I really didn’t know clouds at all.”
Kinda of like I really didn’t know me at all.
Being disenchanted isn’t half bad today.