Clouds’ Illusions

Oh Joni Mitchell, how you tell it to me like it really is.

I am doing a cloud series for my solo show in the fall.  Out of the darkness of my journey, I have found I am actually creative.

I sold one painting at a show at the beginning of this  month.  Go me!

I stop and look around at nature now. I look at lights and shadows.  How everything is connected and flows.  It gives life a new look for me.

Clouds allow me to look at not only life in a different way, but also myself.

The traits, or aspects, of myself that I have hidden because I thought they were “bad.”  My shadows.

It hit me the other day while I was painting and then writing about my old drawings, that much of my resentments toward the ex-wife have to do with my shadow aspects.

I know, I know!  I should have really seen it, and I did, I just didn’t have it fully integrated into me.

I am held to a different standard by the children, my partner, and others.  I am the consistent one, the even one, the peace-maker.

Yet, I do get angry, sad, melancholy, distant… I could go on.

I get admonished if I do act on those “negative” emotions.  This is nothing new. I am told that when people see me, they always see me smiling.

No shit.  Like I have written before, I was trained well.

Now that I know this about where this resentment comes from, I can move forward.  I can release this with awareness and forgiveness toward her and most of all to myself.

I have to forgive myself.  I am a good person, happy, sad, joyful or depressed. Those are emotions that flow through me, and it is only with a story can that storm wave continue.

So, as Joni Mitchell sang, “I really didn’t know clouds at all.”

Kinda of like I really didn’t know me at all.

Being disenchanted isn’t half bad today.

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