The Distortions in My Mind
When I was a therpist, because let’s be honest, that was a lifetime ago now, I would talk to my clients about cognitive distortions. (I put in a link in case you want to know more about them since I am not going to go into the full explanation) Most people have these.
The one that plagues me constantly in relation to the ex-wife, and much of life, is the fallacy of fairness. I have written about this before.
Probably many times.
I know I find it completely unfair that I have perfect. Before, 2 months ago really, I would be the one taking off days for sick kids, doctor visits, school things. In all but genetics, I was raising the children. I was reminded that I was not their mother. Then why was I the one doing all of this while she received the benefits and I did all the work?
This is where the expectations, then the grievances, and now resentments all started.
It sits inside my chest like a dagger.
I don’t know if anyone in your life does this to you… just drives you batty and bunkers.. and you are unable to figure it out how to just let it go!
This is all a distortion in my mind. Life is not fair. I chose to do those things. I did.
She talked about me to the kids and the eldest and her made fun of me for years. This is a fact. She has never apologized or saw anything wrong in what she did. To this day, she tells the kids to lie to us and keep secrets. It’s incredibly unhealthy.
She is not going to change. Not one bit. I still have the EXPECTATION of change. Then when it doesn’t happen, I have a GRIEVANCE. And then, of course, my feelings and such are not validated; therefore, resentment.
As one of my friends and colleague used to say to me, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” I don’t know if he got that from someone. It has just stuck with me.
How do I forgive? I have prayed. I have given the situation to God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Mary. I have practiced radical acceptance. Mindfulness. I have read all about dealing with anger and resentment in Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. Plus A Course in Miracles.
Over Five years. I have led by compassion and understanding. I have not raised my voice, called her names, fought. Nope. I have allowed calmness to be my guide.
I thought the lesson would be learned. I did not strike out. I did the loving thing.
And yet, here I am still angry as all get out and poisoning myself. Something has to change inside me.
And I pray again…
Disenchanted by everything.