The Cry of Frustration
Forgiveness is not easy. I feel it takes incredible courage and internal fortitude to forgive. Those voices which reside in my head do not want to let some things go. My heart, on the other hand, wants to release itself from the poison of these thoughts.
I have been praying for five years to release the resentment and anger I have toward the cheaters ex-wife. She has been the thorn in my side, the trickster in my life…
Oh, how I could go on with witty little sayings on the ridiculousness of the resentment. I have heard, “It’s not your monkey, not your circus.” “let it go.” “Why do you constantly allow her to win?” “Why do you expend your energy on her?”
If I knew those answers, I wouldn’t be having facing this forgiveness issue.
At this point, it’s time to face the internal workings of this situation in my life. I keep asking, “Why was she brought into my life? What is the lesson I am learning?”
I don’t have the answers.
Or in reality, I don’t want to acknowledge the answers!
This is where the cry of frustration erupts from my heart. I am holding onto this resentment and anger like I am hanging off a cliff, holding onto the ledge with my fingers.
“Let go! Let go!”
Into the abyss of the unknown?!!!
Are you fucking kidding me!!
Yet, it’s what I have to do. What I need to do.
I cry in frustration. My heart needs to let go, and my fingers still scrape on the edge. Clinging to something that no longer serves me. A battle I have been forging for as long as I can remember, because I know it’s not about her really.
It’s about so much more from so long ago.
I don’t want to admit she was brought to me so I could heal a long ago wound. This one is old, and built a foundation inside me.
If I heal this wound who will I be?