Shame is such a heavy, toxic emotion. I have been wearing it for the past two years like it’s the new fashion trend. There is shame for not figuring out his antics because I worked with people who suffered from addictions and personality disorders. There is shame for brining my daughter into this whacked out situation. Thankfully, she has no idea and is doing really well. Then there is the shit my mother did. Ugh. It is not her suicide, it is her actions and the consequences.
I fear so much judgment.
This is probably the hardest thing I will write about from an emotional standpoint. I know I have to face this and get it out from inside of me. It is not helpful to hide it.
My mother had numerous problems. She had a personality disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder to be exact. From this disorder she suffered from a eating disorder, addiction to alcohol and spending. She was suicidal much of my life. She could be really loving one moment, and hate your guts the next. It left scars on my brother and me.
What I did not know is when she committed suicide was she was supposed to sign a plea agreement for taking money from her job. I knew she and my father were in serious trouble. I was going through finding out about the infidelity in my relationship and dealing with my parents and their issues.
To her dying day, she denied doing anything wrong. After her death, and the information came out fully, she did it. I still can’t believe it. It is like a bad dream that continues even after her death.
My father signed his plea agreement and was sentenced to prison, which is where he currently is now. What a hard day that was for my brother and me. We have lost so much in short period of time. Because of my dad’s advanced age and all his health problems, I wonder if he will live through his sentence.
I have shame because I didn’t know what she was doing, and I think at times people think someone should have known. Those people did not know my mother. My mother only told you enough to placate you. (Sound familiar to the sex addict I live with currently?) There was always a plausible explanation for everything.
Highsight is 20/20.
This is my life. The reality is that my mother was really sick. I did not see the whole picture, and at times blame myself. I was/am a therapist. My therapist reminds me that she was my mother, and was good at what she did. That I was too close.
So to sum up the shit storm of my life with full disclosure:
My mother lied, stole, and then comitted suicide.
My father is in prison for a long time.
My partner is a sex addict that lied, cheated, and emotionally abused me.
My best friend died.
My good friend died.
My cat died.
And this doesn’t even include that bullshit from the cheater’s ex-wife.
This all happened in the last three years, most in the last 18 months.
There you have it my fellow travelers. This is why I find it so hard to heal. This is why I have PTSD. This is why I don’t work as a therapist anymore. This is why..
I still get out of bed in the morning. Take care of the children. Move forward as much as I can. I pray almost hourly for help because I am tired. This is why I broke the plate when my cat got hit my two cars.
I don’t like visiting all of this at one time. With the gnat of resentment around me now, I know I have too. I have to be honest about it all.
This is why I am the Disenchanted Princess.
I thought I was having my happily ever after, fully enchanted by all the sweet lies I was being fed. I was living in the illusions these two people created.
I am now disenchanted and disillusioned.
My therapist tells me I am awake.
I am still here. Bare-boned and tired.
Isn’t this where we find God?