As a therapist, I can not tell you how many times I worked with a client on resentments. I laugh now because I realize how little I knew about what I was saying. I had education. I knew basically the superficial coating of resentment.
How I have been humbled.
Now, well, I KNOW what it is. It has been integrated into my being. I know what it is to have been so betrayed and hurt, that the anger turns into resentment that nestles inside and builds a house, then a castle, then a freaking city.
My therpist and I talked at length today about it. I just want it gone.
Part of the issue is that shit keeps happening. I do not get the opportunity to actually heal. I have fear, valid fear, which keeps me holding the resentment like a shield to the onslaught of destruction and loss in my life.
The other part is that I do not want to feel the pain. I know I have to look at the pain, so big and huge, and experience it fully to release it and forgive.
Not. Looking. Forward. To. It. At. All.
It follows me through my day. It’s a gnat that just won’t go away. I swat at it, run away, and try to hide.
It doesn’t work.
Maybe I need to break more plates.
Or get a fly swatter.